DO: pole dance when you're tipsy.
For most New Yorkers, the subway is our only way of transportation. It is not the most desirable option but neither is walking or driving, especially in the winter. So, alas, the subway it is. I don’t mind it. It’s kind of like going on an amusement park ride every day – it speeds, it jolts and it swerves. And even if its unpleasant, you get on it again.
So fun or not, there are certain unspoken “rules” of how to behave on the subway. There are some people that “get it” and some that don’t and make the ride unpleasant or amusing, however you look at it. So since I have a lot o f time to kill on the sub, here’s a couple things I thought up to keep in mind next time you join along for the ride.
1. DON’T be that asshole who makes the flying leap from the turnstiles through the closing doors…then have to act like the Hulk and bust them open. The doors spasm and you just look like a fool for trying to make a dramatic entrance into the subway. AND you have delayed the ride by 23 seconds. And in a New York minute, that means you threw us way off schedule. So chill out and accept your fate of being late, don’t bring others into your problem. You snooze you lose, baby.
2. DO hold it in. No one wants to know you ate a can of refried beans for dinner. Gas doesn’t pass on the subway. It lingers. then you smell of your strangers’ farts the whole day. Not cool.
3. DON’T pick your nose. I don’t encourage this as general public behavior, but on the subway? That’s like shitting in an un-flushed toilet. I want to get to my destination without gagging, thank you.
4. DON’T expect chivalry to make a come back. It’s first come first serve. Once a seats taken, it’s taken and it don’t matter if you’re a chick or a dick. If you’re an old lady, well, that’s a different story.
5. DO follow hot people into the subway car. If you see an attractive man/woman while waiting for the subway it is perfectly acceptable to move closer and pretend that you are going in the same car. Then proceed to check them out until you get off. And if the subway is packed enough, feel them up. They’ll never know it was your hand going up their shirt.
6. DON’T be the over-the-shoulder newspaper reader. There’s no point in trying to “not be obvious” about anything in New York. So be honest and ask your neighbor if they can hurry up reading the news and get to the horoscopes.
7. DO use your earphones for their purpose. If we all wanted other people to hear our music then we would all be carrying around stereos. The last thing I want to hear at 8:30 in the morning is the distant tap-tap of reggaeton. Keep it to your own ears.
8. DON’T touch skin. I’ve noticed that the slightest graze of skin on skin (pinky to palm let’s say) causes people to jump back as if they were just ass-groped. Apparently personal space does exist, somehow, in sardine packed subways.
9. DON’T block the entrance, whether you’re in or you’re out. And insiders should always be let out first. So don’t let me have to bust out the high kick to make my way out.
10. DO act unfriendly. Small talk is for Californians and tourists. Just because my nose is half way up your armpit doesn’t mean I’m interested in knowing you have two kids and made an astrological software for Mac computers. On the subway, we mind our own business.
